"If you love someone, if you truly love someone, you will put aside foolish pride and fear, and love them without regret, without worry, cause you know that without them there's no reason for caring."
I know what I want now. This revelation, it came to me when I was lying on this very unfriendly bed over at some hotel in Kudai, Malaysia, just this afternoon. I couldn't sleep, and everything about you filled my head. All that you did, all that you're going to do, all the silly faces you can plaster on to make me laugh, the finger games our hands are so accustomed to, me trying to trip you and failing terribly, you smiling and laughing like a small kid when I pinch your tummy, you..
Then I thought of how angsty I have been these days, or weeks. Or maybe even months. I can't believe myself. Can't believe that I'm self-destructing again. I looked at my phone. Typed a message, saying I miss you and how sorry I am. Stared at the send button and pondered. No, I don't think I should. Not after how you left me waiting yesternight. Smacked myself in the head, select all and backspace. I opened up my notes, and I tapped on the one titled quotes. I saw the quote above. I smacked myself in the head again. Typed another message, almost the same one. Stared at the send button again. No, I can't. Smack. Select all, backspace. Notes. Smack. Type. Stare... and it went on over and over again.
When we were leaving for dinner, I told myself. Quit being an indecisive bitch, you've been nothing but that lately and it's pissing me off. Of course, I smacked myself again. Stared at the quote somemore, and I finally texted you using Howge's phone. Your reply came almost immediately and I smiled.
On the way to Woodlands checkpoint, I kept refreshing the choose network page, hoping that I can get my line back and call you. It took me eons before I could, and that I did.
I like going to Malaysia. It disconnects me from my own world, no talking to anyone but people who don't know anything (that troubles me), no opinions from people who are not capable of making me switch to the other side of the fence but enough to make me sway.. Indecisive mm? Either way, it's a good place to let me breathe. Breathe properly. And this trip came at the right time.
I know what I want now. You. You being in my life. I will (and did) tame this stupid pride of mine.
For you.
Enough of that now. That's the most of my personal life that you will get. It's been long aye?
I went to Malaysia with my parents this morning, and Howge joined us in the early evening, to celebrate my grandfather's birthday. It was a joyous occasion to be at, and we could tell that our grandparents are happy. Seeing them happy is, heartwarming. Literally. And need I mention about the unkind bed? It was at some hotel, the worst one that I've ever been to.
- There were no chairs in the room. Had to carry one up to the 3rd floor for Daddy. No lift to speak of.
- The air-conditioner wasn't working and Daddy had to make a trip down to enquire about it. He came back up with a remote control. Shouldn't it be, in the room in the first place?
- The table lamp wasn't working properly. In the same trip down, Daddy mentioned about it. The receptionist replied that since nobody uses it (much), they didn't bother to repair it.
Ridiculous? It's almost like how A can call B a slut and doesn't want to apologise for it because A told C and C wasn't supposed to tell B in the first place. Funny how some people work.
I'm going to talk to the love of my life now. He has been waiting for 3 minutes I think. X
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